dreams

By dreams, I mean the ones that we have as a goal or ambition, not the literal dream we have when we are sleeping. 

It has been quite a long time since I have had any dreams which I could actually achieve. Before this, I have always wanted to join the military or police force and make a career out of it in the future. However, because of my physique, it isn't possible at all for me to even join anything from the beginning. So for quite some time, I was just going around doing things without having any solid targets in my mind that I want to reach. To be honest, that feeling of not having a dream sucks big time. 

Lately, I've been thinking, dreaming about having my own restaurant in the future. I don't know how this idea came about but I have been thinking a lot about it. I am already thinking about the concept of it, how I would like to decorate it and what are the food that I would include in my menu. Just now, I was talking about it to my mom (and very enthusiastically) and she actually thinks that it might just work! It made me really happy to hear that because even though it's something uncertain and some time in the future before I could execute it, it's really nice to have your closest ones to support your plans. 

It's really tempting to immediately start this whole thing right after I graduate but at the same time, I feel like I should at least be working for a few years first, just to gain some experience. I mean, I don't know if the plan would really work or not so this would be for just in case. I really hope that this plan of mine, this dream, would come true. I haven't had a dream for some time and now that I have one which is actually probable, I want to see it turn into reality instead of just remaining as a dream. 

Cheers to us dreamers and may our dreams come true

it's just one of those days when i don't quite like myself

human nature?

Frankly, I'm not the most generous and selfless person that you'll ever meet. I think a lot for myself, like, a lot. (just look at the number of I's I use)

I wouldn't say all the time but most of the time, when I do something, it's for my self satisfaction. After helping people, I feel this sense of triumph as if I've just saved the world from some villains or something. Okay, that might be a bit of exaggeration, but it kinda does feel that way. I do sincerely want to help the person I'm helping, I care and that's why I help. But the feeling of self satisfaction after I successfully helped someone, it's awesome, sometimes to the point that I feel like that is why I should help people. It feels kinda wrong but nice at the same time. 

Not only that, I feel bitter quite often. Whenever my friends do things without me whether they told me already or not, I'd feel bitter because I wasn't there doing it with them. It just feels like I suddenly don't belong anymore. Especially when they start talking about things that I wasn't involved in, it sucks. Selfish huh? Ya, I admit I am. And because I have such feelings, it somehow makes me more sensitive towards their feelings when I wanna do something. It's of course only if the people that might be left out are my close friends. To be honest, I don't give much shit about people whom aren't in my circle of close friends, I don't care man. This is also because they have their own closer friends and really, they don't give a shit about our feelings, too, when they do things without asking us, so why should I care? Okay, this is kinda a bit too emotional isn't it, lol.

Additionally, I am in fact quite greedy when it comes to having and making friends. I want to have a lot of friends. I have my close friends whom I can go crazy with and tell them about my personal issues. But I also want to have a large connection of people that I know. It's true that if someone has a lot of friends but none can help when they are truly in need, there's no point to having so many friends. But I do have these great people who'd help me unconditionally when I need them. And yes, I'm being greedy in wanting to know more people because honestly, it feels kinda rad when you know many people and vice versa.

Yeap, that's about the end of me ranting on about how nasty my nature is, at least I'm being truthful about how I feel. And I'm okay with being such a person. 

It's okay to be like this and the fact that I'm not a shithead who treats my friends like shit is enough to cover up my nasty feelings, right? Right.

Bunkasai 2015

Yesterday, 7 March 2015, was UNMC's annual Bunkasai event which is a Japanese cultural festival opened to the public organised by the Japanese Cultural Society and Anime&Manga Society (credits to the event page on FB for this description and the above poster).

I was a part of both the societies(kinda clear what I'm into, right) and I volunteered for this event! I was helping out at the Yukata Photography Department which somehow became the charity department as well lol. Basically, what I did was help people put on the yukata and let them take photos. Initially, the knots and sequences of what to put on first was so confusing ugh, but it gradually got easier. That tends to happen when you're doing it for 5 hours straight yaknow.

Anyway, compared to other departments, I think this one is the simplest one because even for the decorations and set up, we were the first to be done hahaha! Still, it was just as tiring. Standing up to help people put on yukata ain't as easy as it seems. After doing this, I really, really respect people that stand/walk the whole day for their work, like, how do you guys do this on a daily basis man, you peeps da real MVP! 

Okay, back to the event. When it officially ended at 5pm-ish, we got free desserts from the Maid/Butler Cafe! Whoot! What's better than getting free food after a tiring day?! It was all desserts, but they were so, good. Sadly, I had to leave before cleaning up and I feel soooo bad about it. Hopefully I'll be able to do something to make up for that next time! 

Overall, it was a fun and great experience! I got to learn how to wear yukata (I can say I'm quite good at it now so call me master please, lol no, I'm joking), made new friends with some really nice/cute/fun people and finally, FINALLY, I'm able to feel that I'm a part of the societies that I've joined (a lot of people like to have a sense of belonging and so do I). I'm so glad I volunteered for this event and this department hehehe. I'll most probably be volunteering again next year, but I haven't made up my mind on volunteering for which department. Oh well, there's still a year or so until the next Bunkasai so I'll have plenty of time to think, or not needing to think about it yet, ............yup. 

Extra: Me in a yukata with Gin-san's sword and feeling super embarrassed right after doing some samurai poses hahahahaha yes, I said embarrassed but the ones that I'm posing are even more embarrassing. I mean, look at the photo it's so shaky because my friend was laughing the shit out of herself from seeing me posing 

"I thought"

I was on the bus a few days ago, going home from campus and I just suddenly thought about this specific incident that happened a few months ago. Ya, it was just a few months ago and yet, it felt like it was already a long time in the past.

There are a lot of times when someone else does something to you and you'd start assuming a lot of things. These assumptions can range from an almost ficitional scenario to one that is dreadfully negative. In the end, and in my opinion, it depends on 1) how optimistic/pessimistic you are and 2) how you actually want things to turn out. 

So, the main story. Or stories, because I'm gonna give a few instances in which I did this whole "I thought" thing and got myself feeling like shit. 
There was once where I was in a group for an assignment and we had to send our names to our lecturer before a certain date. We all sent our details to a group chat and we kinda, somehow forgot to confirm who was going to email the details to our lecturer. Almost 3 days after the supposed deadline, had we only realised by then that non of us did it. But thankfully, our lecturer didn't seem to mind at all when we emailed her by then lol. I did freaked out tho, being the paranoid me.
Another one of the many many times I did this "I thought" thing again was the incident that made me write this entry. Okay, so there was this person whom was initially my friend, K's friend and we became acquainted afterwards. And then, we started talking more often and I really like our conversations because we had quite a lot in common in terms of the we think and all. Then, "I thought" there was something happening, or on the way to. Not long after that, I found out that this person liked someone else and I felt. like. shit. At first, I was angry because I was thinking why would that person be so nice to me and made me misunderstood. After some time, just a few days(or a week..), I told myself that it wasn't that person's fault at all. I was the one who was thinking and hoping too much out of it, so I absolutely have no one to blame other than me and my brain, and hormones maybe.

The bottom line is, "I thought" can be very powerful in a way that it might hurt not only yourself, but sometimes other people too. For me, both had happened numerous times. It would be quite wonderful if things occur in a vacuum and wouldn't affect one another that much but oops, that ain't how things work. In a way or another, they will find a way to have some kind of link(s). Therefore, we have to stop assuming things all the time and be wiser to start clarifying thoughts with solid facts before jumping to fantasies or whatever glittery outcomes that we ourselves imagine. 

It is okay to have some expectations that are of our favour, but what I've learned from my past experiences is to never mix up fantasies with expectations. These are different things and to save ourselves from falling into the dark pit of disappointment/rage/confusion, stop doing the "I thought" thing, just stop.