Frankly, I'm not the most generous and selfless person that you'll ever meet. I think a lot for myself, like, a lot. (just look at the number of I's I use)
I wouldn't say all the time but most of the time, when I do something, it's for my self satisfaction. After helping people, I feel this sense of triumph as if I've just saved the world from some villains or something. Okay, that might be a bit of exaggeration, but it kinda does feel that way. I do sincerely want to help the person I'm helping, I care and that's why I help. But the feeling of self satisfaction after I successfully helped someone, it's awesome, sometimes to the point that I feel like that is why I should help people. It feels kinda wrong but nice at the same time.
Not only that, I feel bitter quite often. Whenever my friends do things without me whether they told me already or not, I'd feel bitter because I wasn't there doing it with them. It just feels like I suddenly don't belong anymore. Especially when they start talking about things that I wasn't involved in, it sucks. Selfish huh? Ya, I admit I am. And because I have such feelings, it somehow makes me more sensitive towards their feelings when I wanna do something. It's of course only if the people that might be left out are my close friends. To be honest, I don't give much shit about people whom aren't in my circle of close friends, I don't care man. This is also because they have their own closer friends and really, they don't give a shit about our feelings, too, when they do things without asking us, so why should I care? Okay, this is kinda a bit too emotional isn't it, lol.
Additionally, I am in fact quite greedy when it comes to having and making friends. I want to have a lot of friends. I have my close friends whom I can go crazy with and tell them about my personal issues. But I also want to have a large connection of people that I know. It's true that if someone has a lot of friends but none can help when they are truly in need, there's no point to having so many friends. But I do have these great people who'd help me unconditionally when I need them. And yes, I'm being greedy in wanting to know more people because honestly, it feels kinda rad when you know many people and vice versa.
Yeap, that's about the end of me ranting on about how nasty my nature is, at least I'm being truthful about how I feel. And I'm okay with being such a person.
It's okay to be like this and the fact that I'm not a shithead who treats my friends like shit is enough to cover up my nasty feelings, right? Right.
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